Came Here To See You
by prismdreams
Summary: Felicity comes back to reality after she and Barry share that kiss on the train heading to Starling City. Barry doesn't know it yet but Felicity needs to make sense of some things before she sees him again. Set after 4x04 "Going Rogue." OneShot.


My name is Felicity Smoak and...oh god, I'll just spit it out!

Barry Allen kissed me.

I didn't think it would ever happen. We were so close in Starling City, I didn't know he and I would...go there.

And here's my problem: I don't know what it means. Were we saying good-bye to that possibility? Did he initiate it because he had feelings for me and returned them? Here's my other problem: I actually liked it, much more than I ever would think. And here's the other problem: what about Oliver Queen? You know, the other guy I am hopelessly pinning for. The question on that unfortunately remains: was or is? Who was I kidding with that right? Oliver is a complicated man, he and I couldn't come to a place where we were right for each other. Lord knows I've been there and done that too many times I am damn near tired to the point where I've finally realized I deserve better. And I've cried so many times over this I've lost count. It's over between us, just over. I can't go back there.

Oliver can't make me happy, this I know. Bitter pill, swallowing it now, thanks a lot life.

But where does that leave me with Barry? That kiss...I would be lying if I said it didn't mean anything to me. I am trying desperately not to delve so deeply into this stuff.

I can't have things be complicated with Barry. Even if that kiss had meant something, a small inkling of possibility, I don't know what I'm going to do with that haunting me. Knowing we both feel this way for each other and expressed it, this time physically. Barry had to have known or at least thought of what this could mean. Or perhaps, in my case, the hero doesn't see what's really in front of him. Oliver all over again.

Can heroes even fall in love? But I know that's not what this is about. I am not Iris West, I am not obsessed with the hero. I want to take off the mask and go deeper. There is a man behind the glory that I see and can't help but fall for. It started where it started with Oliver. Barry, his heart is so wonderful. He's much more compassionate than Oliver can ever be, even on Ollie's good day. Barry cares a lot. Almost too much. I'm so worried about him now I can't think straight.

I'm worried that his caring about people so much will do him in. It's funny because I think he and I share the same trait. Oliver sometimes couldn't care less what I'm really feeling, he rarely asks me. Barry...it's too overt. His heart is too big for this responsibility. For this life. When I saw him laying on the ground covered in that cold ring, I shook inside. Barry cares way too much for humanity.

I guess that's why I feel this way about him. I can't stop thinking about the time we danced together. When he claimed he didn't know how but tried anyway, for me. A guy actually tried to impress me. It was new, foreign, lovely. I didn't want the dance to end. When we pulled away I was confused and a little cold. Barry's comfort was exactly what I needed in that moment and I didn't want to let it go.

This is a new feeling and I'm not sure if I'm going to like it. I was fine with Oliver. I was totally fine in how I was feeling when it came to unavailable guys.

But even if all that were true, Barry doesn't need this. It's not like he doesn't have someone else who's permanently attached to his life.

Iris West. I sighed deeply, I can't be jealous of her. She did nothing wrong. It's just, she has Barry's heart and she doesn't know it. It's ruining everything. How he might give everything just to be with her. I could tell, the look he gave me in his eyes, the way he almost scoffed at the idea of being infatuated with her, it's true. I had the same expression many times over with Oliver.

And I can't compete with that.

I met the girl he is really in love with. She's everything that I'm not. Beautiful. Bubbly. Outgoing. Social. Has better clothes. Confident personality. Gets everything that she wants.

Practically anyway, even people. She basically has the perfect life.

Most importantly, she has Barry Allen's attention. As nice as she is, I know this is wrong of me to say, surely the most off hand thing I've ever thought of, I don't think she's right for him. I don't feel it. Almost feels like the same thing with Oliver, it just doesn't work. Friends, ok, Oliver is good for that, but my heart? My devotion, my loyalty, the last thought I go to sleep with? I'm feeling reticent about this whole thing. My intuition about Barry and Iris being together doesn't quite connect.

Iris is completely oblivious to Barry's one-sided devotion I just want to tell him that, like me, it will never happen because you simply can't make someone fall in love with you. And also, if you need to wait for someone to fall in love with you, you might as well just move on.

I don't want to dislike Iris, she was very kind to me and she seems like a good friend to Barry but, apparently, she isn't good at reading the signs. The way his eyes float to her almost randomly when she has already left a room, lingering and it's so sad.

What's even sadder is me personally feeling this way. Knowing the moment I could possibly move on from guys like Oliver and then realize I found the perfect guy for me only to know he's hung up on someone else is just too much.

I think I like Barry. No wait, scratch that. I really like Barry. But it's wrong, so wrong and I need to stop this before I get hurt again.

Oliver is the first man to truly hurt me and I am going to make sure he is the last.

I don't love Barry. And I am going to try harder this time not to fall for him.


End file.
